Trying Not to Question God

Wow. I just got news that someone I was once very close to passed away today. My heart is heavy for obvious reasons, but also because I had no idea about her illness until now. We drifted apart for reasons unknown to me awhile ago, but I still hold a lot of fond memories of her and love her family dearly.

She was one of the few people in my life I could be totally honest with about anything. I have my biological sister, oldest best friend (and hair dresser as an added bonus), and only a handful of other ladies like this in my life (Soul Sisters you know who you are!), and I thank God frequently for such rare relationships. Although we did not always agree on everything, she was there to support me during an especially hard struggle of finding out unexpectedly that I was pregnant.

At 29 years old and in a good, stable marriage, nobody knew why I could be upset. She felt the same way, but still sympathized with my fears of not living up to all the “mommyhood expectations” I felt compelled on me by Southern status quo. And most of all, she simply let me vent.

Times like this had been a lifesaver when I needed someone to listen to me, and though he or she might not agree, refrain from totally casting me off as an awful individual. We shared a lot of fun times together. She was a big supporter of my writing and read through both of my movie scripts and gave her opinions. (All writers know more than anyone how important honesty is in this case!)

What runs through my mind now is the honesty she offered me in our friendship, the laughs we shared, and her sweet husband and daughter. (As a bonus, her husband makes the best chicken fingers and sweet potato casserole to ever touch my taste buds!) I also think about the little details that made her, well her. Like how she owned enough pairs of Christmas socks to wear a pair every day the month of December. Or how she would always go to Taco Bell right before starting a diet.

It seems like it’s the little things we remember most about those we hold dear. They may not mean much to others, but that doesn’t matter. All are sweet memories that keep them alive in our hearts. However, I could have done without crying every time I saw a Honey Bun for the first few months after my papa passed away. (I would sneak these to him when Grannie was not around.)

During hard hurts like this it is hard to not question God. Perhaps the only thing that keeps me from questioning Him is knowing that it is really none of my business and that even if He answered me it would not change the outcome. If I think too hard I just get angry about it, so I try my best to not give into anger at God.

But we are still human and cannot always control the way we feel. That’s why we have to control the way we act by not letting our feelings get the best of us. Friends who let you be honest with them and share your deepest hurts and concerns help in this attempt to keep your composure (and often your sanity).

I can only hope that she thought of me fondly and that I had a positive influence on her life. Those who knew me way back (I’m talking like back in the last century and early 2000s.), know that my high school boyfriend died tragically, and instantly, at the age of 26 a few years ago. I spent many months in prayers, tears and therapy. Not because I missed him or harbored romantic feelings. (Those who also know me well know I could not ever make it being married to anyone else besides Blake Hindman, who is the true love of my life.) But rather, I felt that I had not been a positive influence in his life even though I was probably the person he knew best and talked to the most for almost a year and a half.

I was 16-18 during our relationship and not on my best Christian behavior as a spoiled teen who often put God after cheerleading, my car, and other fleeting idols. Still, that is no excuse as my family was his main link to church, etc. In hindsight, I learned an important lesson from feeling that way and vowed to try and leave a better impression and be a better witness for God from then on.

Of course I have had my moments since then when I hoped people were not looking to me as their picture of God. Again, we are only human. But I do keep that vow in the back of my mind and try to implement it daily. I also wrote my first full-length feature script while dealing with these emotions, which was the first script my dear friend who just passed gave me feedback on.

At the end of it all, we need to thank God daily for those in our lives who we truly appreciate. It is hard for me to wonder why this dear woman and I suddenly drifted apart, and I feel awful knowing that I did not know about her illness. I hope there was nothing I did to make her feel that she could no longer confide in me or need my support.

Yet, I am reminded of a saying I heard once that included something about some people being in your life for only a season, but that they were there for a reason. For the season she was in my life, I had a dear friend. We shared several ups and downs in both our lives, and I thank God that He orchestrated for our paths to cross.

About Kaci Lane Hindman

13 thoughts on “Trying Not to Question God

  1. I just want to tell you that I am just very new to blogging and certainly savored your web blog. Most likely I’m planning to bookmark your website . You definitely have fabulous articles and reviews. Cheers for sharing your blog.

    1. Thank you. Always do your research. I write from the heart, my faith, and my experiences. If more people took time to dig into topics and decipher for themselves on issues, the world would be a much more informed place. Kaci πŸ™‚

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